From Allowing to Empowering: How to Nurture Independence and Emotional Resilience in Children
- Give N' Grow
- Mar 28
- 5 min read
When it comes to raising children, teaching them social-emotional learning (SEL) skills is essential in nurturing their emotional growth, resilience, and ability to navigate relationships with others. Whether you’re a parent or a teacher, your role in helping children develop emotional intelligence will shape the way they handle challenges, interact with others, and approach life as adults.
In a recent episode of The Give N' Grow Podcast with District SEL Coordinator Callie Goss, we explored powerful strategies for cultivating social-emotional skills in children, and how we can guide them toward becoming independent, compassionate, and resilient individuals. Below are key takeaways and practical tips on how to create an environment of love, support, and emotional growth for children at home and in the classroom.
Creating a Supportive Internal Voice
One of the first things Callie emphasized is how the way we speak to children during tough moments deeply impacts the voice they carry within themselves as they grow older. “The tone and words you use when your kids are struggling really matter,” she said, “because you want their internal voice to be supportive, kind, and resourceful.”
As adults, when we face challenges, we often turn to our inner voice to encourage us through the difficulty. For kids, that internal voice comes from the way they were spoken to during moments of struggle. Parents and teachers have a profound opportunity to shape that voice by using language that validates their feelings, encourages self-compassion, and helps them understand that mistakes are part of growth.
The Power of Attuned Relationships
Building an attuned relationship is central to emotional regulation and social-emotional learning. Callie explained that an attuned relationship is one in which the child feels seen and supported, even through difficult emotions. This kind of relationship can weather the ups and downs of life without causing harm to the bond.
“An attuned relationship is a close, resilient connection that allows children to navigate challenges while still feeling safe and supported,” Callie shared. She recommends that parents and teachers work to develop these deep, connected relationships with children so they can trust and lean on the adults in their lives, especially during emotional turbulence.
This connection lays the foundation for co-regulation, where children learn to regulate their emotions with the guidance of a calm and attuned adult, which ultimately fosters independence and emotional resilience.
Allowing, Plowing, and Empowering: Three Key Approaches to Support Growth
When discussing how to help children through emotional or behavioral challenges, Callie brought up the concepts of allowing, plowing, and empowering—three strategies from Eli Harwood that can shape the way we interact with kids during difficult moments.
Allowing—While at first, you might think "allowing" simply means stepping back, it’s actually about creating space for children to experience their emotions and struggles, with the knowledge that they can manage them. Callie explained, “Allowing is giving children the autonomy to feel their feelings and face challenges, while still being there for them when needed.” Allowing helps children build resilience and problem-solving skills by giving them the space to try things out on their own.
Plowing—In contrast to allowing, plowing means stepping in too much and clearing the path for children. While this may seem like an act of protection, it often prevents kids from learning how to cope with difficulty. “Plowing keeps children from developing the coping skills they need to navigate life’s challenges independently,” Callie noted. While it’s important to step in when necessary, overdoing it can lead to children becoming reliant on others for solutions instead of learning how to find answers themselves.
Empowering—Empowering involves helping children develop the confidence and skills to tackle challenges on their own, while providing them with the tools and support they need to succeed. “Empowering is about guiding children to develop their own problem-solving skills, so they feel capable and confident in facing challenges,” Callie shared. It’s about fostering independence while being there to guide them through the learning process.
Callie emphasized that allowing is a key element in building emotional resilience, but it needs to be balanced with empowering so that children feel supported in their journey toward independence. By creating this balance, we help children build internal strength while knowing that they have a safety net when needed.
Praise: Describing, Not Evaluating
Another essential aspect of social-emotional learning is the way we praise children. Callie shared a powerful tip for effective praise: “Describe, don’t evaluate.” Evaluative praise—such as “You’re amazing!” or “You did it perfectly!”—can lead children to seek external validation and depend too much on others' approval.
Instead, describing focuses on specific actions and observable qualities. For instance, instead of saying “Great job on that art project,” try describing what you see: “I love how you used so many different colors in this drawing, it really makes the picture come alive.” This kind of praise encourages children to feel pride in their work without attaching their sense of worth to external validation.
By describing their efforts and accomplishments, you also help children develop an internal gauge for their own achievements. They learn to assess their own work and recognize their growth, without being constantly dependent on praise from others.
Building Strong Parent-Teacher Partnerships
For parents and teachers looking to collaborate in supporting children’s social-emotional development, Callie stressed the importance of working together. Parents can support SEL by teaching skills and providing alternative strategies when their children face emotional challenges. “Your job isn’t to fix the problems, but to teach your kids strategies and skills to handle them next time,” Callie explained.
At school, teachers play a critical role in reinforcing these strategies and providing a supportive environment where children can practice what they’ve learned at home. By fostering an attuned relationship with children both at home and in the classroom, we set them up for success in developing the emotional and social skills they need for a healthy, fulfilling life.
Conclusion
Raising healthy, loving humans requires a combination of emotional support, skill-building, and the cultivation of independence. By fostering attuned relationships, empowering children, and teaching them to manage their emotions with the right balance of support and autonomy, we create the foundation for them to thrive.
As Callie reminds us, “We don’t have to be perfect parents or teachers. What matters is that we stay connected, support our children, and help them develop the skills they need to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and compassion.”
As we continue to raise and teach the next generation, let’s remember that even in the face of challenges, we have the power to shape the future by nurturing emotionally intelligent, independent, and kind individuals.
Callie's Recommended Reads:
"Raising Securely Attached Kids" by Eli Harwood
This book is recommended by Callie for learning about attuned relationships and creating resilient connections with children.
"How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
This book is cited by Callie for the concept of "describe instead of evaluate," which helps foster children's internal gauges of self-worth.